theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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