i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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