I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
