I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
