So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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