I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
