Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
