Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
