they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
