The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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