conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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