i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im about as happy as oj after his trial
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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