Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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