I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
