apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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