Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No subtext here. People are naked.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
