First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I hope mine doesn't look like that
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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