Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
We named our party play list daddy issues
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
