I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
