I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
