so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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