I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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