1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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