Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
