...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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