I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
