This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
