Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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