i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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