This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
