Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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