you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
