She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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