you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
