I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
