Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
