You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
