She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Be still, my beating vagina.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
40s are totally the cure
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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