I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
