Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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