is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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