Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
