I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My ass is underappreciated
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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