Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
