So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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