I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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