By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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