I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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