mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
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