new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
